Left Left... Right?
Matthew flipped through tinder on his phone as he half
listened to the episode of Archer on his laptop. Neither were activities that he particularly enjoyed, but he
was bored and lonely and when his friends weren’t off with each other or having
sex with their newest fling they informed him of the wonders of both. He wasn’t convinced.
As he flipped though the guys that either attended his
college or worked in the tiny town he was not impressed. On the occasion he did swipe someone
right they didn’t like him back and behold- no match. When he very occasionally got the glorious indication that
he had a new match either it was a mistake or the guy immediately said
something stupid, beyond rude, or both.
A moment before he was going to give up he saw a familiar face, but one
he didn’t expect to see here, in everyone’s profile picture, on the school’s
website maybe, but on tinder, set to gay?
Tentatively after checking which direction was which, just in case his
hours of swiping had somehow all been wrong Matthew swiped right. He held his breath for a split second
waiting for the screen to darken, for this boring lonely night to turn into
some sort of crazy romance. But
the moment passed, and on he went to another unknown guy who looked twice the
age he claimed to be with a cigarette handing out from between crooked
teeth.
Sighing Matthew threw his phone off the side of his bed and
curled under the covers, he tried for a few moments to watch the show but he
just couldn’t do it. Shutting his
computer and sliding it to the edge of his lofted bed he said a short silent
prayer for it to not fall off and faced the wall. He closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep, and just as
it did every night, it took hours until the thoughts buzzing around in his head
finally faded into the dark static of sleep.
Matthew woke early, earlier than he ever wanted to on a
Saturday. He would have probably
just fallen immediately back to sleep, but without his phone he didn’t know
what time it was. Once he had climbed
down from bed he had to pee, and when he had peed he was hungry, and once he
was hungry he figured he might as well shower and start his day.
After his semblance of a morning routine Matthew found
himself settling into an armchair in the library. The library was strange with no one around. He didn’t have too much homework so on
went the headphones and the Netflix, somehow it felt more productive in the
library, he would even watch a documentary. Funny how learning was so fun when it had nothing to do with
any of his classes.
Ping Matthew
almost missed the small sound, but the small vibration that passed through the
chair invoked an almost pavlovian response, it was his phone and he must check
it.
The small red flame icon sent a pang of resentment through him. Who had he accidentally swiped for now,
who was drunk, who was playing a trick on him now. Swearing he was going to delete the app Matthew aggressively
tapped the tinder icon with his middle finger.
James? The mystery man from the night before, the macho
rugby player that had most likely slept with all the women in the school. There were of course the rumors about
the women’s rugby team, but the men’s team? All bros to the highest power,
their mating call of no homo could be heard from buildings away when there was
a party. There was no way he was gay, and yet... Appearing the night before could have been anything, a
drunken dare, a mistaken switch of settings, but at 8am on a Saturday morning,
it could only mean one thing- he was playing tricks. Sighing again Matthew turned back to learning about the
dangers of fast food, glad that he had eaten a boiled egg and toast for
breakfast.
Ping buzz. Again Matthew’s phone was in his hands
before he could even parse that the sound had happened. He glanced at the screen and again
there was that little red flame. New message from James. And here it began, the laughing the
teasing, haha I always knew you thirsted after my body, and the like. But that would at least James knew who
he was, maybe it was worth checking, and then, then he would delete the
app.
You’re up early, would
you want to grab some coffee
There was no way that a message that normal could come from
tinder. But not answering would be
rude wouldn’t it, he had to just answer, he could say anything, he typed fast,
out of annoyance not eagerness he told himself.
Sure, when?
Matthew intended to just go back to his show and wait for
the inevitable no response, but a bit of movement caught his eye, a response,
immediately?
Whenever, now?
Okay see you in the
commons in 10
Matthew sent his message before he could chicken out, but
getting his act together enough to pack up his back and head to the student
center was a bit harder, he actually arrived 15 minutes later, sure that even
if James had been willing to meet him there was no chance that he would still
be there. More people would be
waking up, more people would see them together, coffee or not it people would
notice, something James couldn’t want.
But there he was, sitting at one of the small tables, a small white cup
in hand playing something on his phone, or possibly trolling other sad
boys. Wondering where this
cynicism was coming from, James hadn’t done anything… yet... Matthew went to
meet him.
“Hey I worried you weren’t going to come. I just got something already I hope
that’s okay.” Matthew nodded and dropped his bag at the other tall stool. He went to get his own coffee, or
rather tea. He didn’t fancy
getting coffee tummy at such a possibly pivotal moment.
“I didn’t know you knew who I was.” Matthew wasn’t shy, not even with
people he found attractive, at least not usually, but the possibility of being
pranked wouldn’t leave him, even though with every passing moment it seemed
less and less likely.
“Well I don’t really,” James laughed “but I've seen you
around, and you seem cool, thought why not say hi.”
Maybe he was just looking to be friends, friends were good.
“You really must be confused if you thought I was cool.
“ Matthew, happy that he now knew
what was going on slid onto the stool, wishing he was slightly taller, then he
wouldn’t have to wiggle so unceremoniously onto the small metal seat.
“Well you can stay on the slack line for more than two
seconds, that’s pretty cool to me, and you paint? Are you an arts major?” James
leaned forward his big green eyes were so intent, it was like he really was
interested in Matthew, but the fact he knew his hobbies was, well, interesting.
“Not a major, but I dabble, I’m actually doing bio, I don’t
know why, and it’s killing me a little. I like learning how we work though, if only I could get past
all the classes about the small things, I don’t really need to know exactly how
amphibians can live in the liminal zone between the water and land, I want to
know about people- or at least mammals.”
Matthew realized he was leaning forward himself. He gulped his tea and sat
backward. Maybe if he could shut
up about himself for a minute he could find out something about James, figure
out why one of the most popular, and attractive guys would want to meet him.
“Other than being a rugby star, how do you spend your time?”
“Doing this and that, other than parties I kind of stick to
myself. I was really shy when I
was younger, I don’t think I quite grew out of it, not without a few drinks at
least.” James smiled but looked slightly down, he didn’t look like the arrogant
character Matthew had imagined him to be, he was like a regular person his
comment about being shy could almost be true.
As the next hour passed Matthew slowly relaxed and began to see
James as a person and not like the archetype he had assigned to him. It was nice to have a new friend. Plus James wouldn’t be so concerned
with sleeping with all the people Matthew was interested in. Maybe it would be nice to have a
straight friend.
“What are you doing the rest of the weekend?” snapped back
into the conversation Matthew considered James’ question. What was he doing this weekend. His lab for one, but other than that,
staring at various screens and being bored. Now wanting to seem too boring Matthew frowned, how could he
phrase. James saved him by
speaking again.
“I don’t want to intrude of course, and feel free to say no,
but I wondered if you wanted to come to the rugby party tonight, at Tony’s
apartment. It would be nice to have
someone there who can actually hold a conversation.” A party invitation. Something Matthew would have to
consider when he was over the surprise.
It wasn’t that Matthew didn’t go to parties, he just was never invited,
his friends just ‘heard something was going on’ and then they went.
“I'll think about it.”
“Cool, I hope to see you there.” And then it was over, the weirdest morning Matthew had had
in a while. Well it wasn’t that
weird, and that made it even stranger.
A regular guy hanging out drinking coffee with him, just chatting, and
then the invitation. Maybe it was
just a formality, something to say to end the conversation. Whatever it was it
made bio lab seem even less interesting than it had before. But, with the goal of finishing before
the party would start Matthew actually finished it in one afternoon. But as evening fell he had a large
decision to make, followed by several small ones. First should he go to the party, that was already half
decided he couldn’t not go, even if he hadn’t been invited someone was bound to
show up or call him begging him to show up, and he admitted, he wanted to talk
to James more. Even if the party
wasn’t the best place to chat he would at least have a reason to reach out
again.
Flopping onto his bed Matthew considered the next question,
if he was going to go, what was he going to wear? After trying on an embarrassing number of similar t-shirt
and jeans outfits, he decided on a soft blue t-shirt he had had for an
embarrassingly long time and equally old but buttery soft jeans. They might have been a little too
tight, but they were the most comfortable thing he owned short of pjs, and he
wanted to be comfortable in such a new environment. Ready Matthew checked his phone. It was only 9:30, way too early to even consider going
out. Growling to himself Matthew
opened his computer again and turned on a pregaming playlist. He never went to pregames, but a shot
or two while he waited wouldn’t hurt.
Well shots would hurt so he mixed himself a quick drink and danced
around his room with it, picking up bits of clothing and throwing them into the
closet. By the time it was time to
go his room was cleaner than it had been in months and he was a drink away from
a buzz. Making sure he had his
keys, wallet, and id, Matthew headed out the door. He was about halfway to the apartment when his phone lit up,
a friend request, James. Matthew
of course accepted, and before he could go more than ten more steps there was
the familiar ping and buzz.
Hey are you coming the
message, in the comforting blue of facebook this time made Matthew hurry a bit
more. If James had the time to
message him he must not be drowning in girls and therefore might be available
to talk to, even at the party.
Matthew heard the party before he had even reached the
complex the apartment it was in. He
thanked his foresight to live on campus, even if it was less cool than living
in an apartment the parties were significantly quieter, and for someone that
didn’t tend to stay out too late, that was a blessing.
The door was open and Matthew walked right in, the rooms
were packed so he pulled out his phone, the ultimate transitional comfort
object. While he had it in his hand he figured he might as well message James
back.
Here the simplest
of messages.
Most of the faces were familiar, but not people that he
particularly wanted to speak with. He wandered looking for a drink, and
worrying that he should have brought his own. Everyone seemed to have a bottle of beer, and there seemed
to be none sitting out. Maybe he
should have left earlier. The more
drunk the others were, the more he needed to be drunk to deal with them.
“Matthew!” James
appeared out of the kitchen with two bottles in his hands. “You came I’m so glad. As you can see most of these guys are
already useless.” And looking
around Matthew could see that the majority of the guests were definitely past
the point of polite conversation.
James slung an arm around Matthew’s shoulders and handed him a
bottle.
“Cider, I hope you don’t mind, I keep my own stash here,
beats PBR any day.” Surprised but grateful
Matthew took a drink.
After finding a quietish couch to chat the two men fell
easily into a conversation, about homework, about missing home, about parties
and the cheap beer they always had.
After making their way through a few ciders each there was no way that Matthew
could go another second without breaking the seal.
“Where’s the bathroom?” Feeling a bit less stable than he would like to admit Matthew
found the room dirtier than he would like and relieved himself. After washing his hands and avoiding
touching the knob as much as possible he went to find James again. Though the he hadn’t expressed a desire
to speak with anyone else Matthew was worried James might have disappeared into
the thick of the party, leaving Matthew with no one to talk to. His fears were realized when he
returned to the couch and there were two people he had never seen before
passionately going through the bases fast enough any major league player would
have been proud.
Considering just walking back to his room Matthew
turned. As he squeezed through the
throngs he thought he heard his name being called. Sure it was a coincidence or a hallucination Matthew
continued through the door and outside.
The cool air was a relief. Matthew hadn’t realized how hot it had been outside, but the
crisp autumn air felt amazing.
Matthew looked at the clear sky and was amazed by the few starts that
were bright enough to shine through the light pollution. He laughed and spun. He was a happy drunk, and even if James
had disappeared he had still had more fun at this party than all the other
parties he had gone to this semester, and even better he might have found a new
friend. Maybe he wouldn’t need to
cling to the fringes of the other groups he had been hanging with. Maybe he wouldn’t have to always be the
designated driver to get invited out maybe-
“Matthew!” He
turned, sure this time his name was being called.
“You left! I couldn’t find you!” It was James; the other man had an almost wild look in his
eyes. I wanted to-” James was
holding Matthew’s arms, gently, but firmly “-I wanted to say goodbye, or I
didn’t want you to go.”
“I just thought you wanted to talk to someone else, its
fine, I should probably sleep soon anyway.” Matthew smiled and gently pulled himself out of James’
grip.
“Wanna walk somewhere?
It was too loud in there anyway.”
If Matthew didn’t know better he would guess that James was making
reasons to spend more time with him.
Well it was fine with him.
They walked in silence for a while toward campus. It was such a beautiful night Matthew
couldn’t stop smiling, a new friend, the crisp night, the leaves just beginning
to turn, he felt ridiculous but it was rare he felt so carefree.
Something brushed his hand softly, Matthew ignored it, but
then a moment later it happened again, and then again, and finally with a soft
puff of air from beside him James clasped his hand. Matthew turned to look at the other man but his eyes were resolutely
forward. Matthew squeezed the hand
in his and gently wove his fingers through James’. He was just tipsy enough to not worry about what it might
mean, he was trapped in the peace of the night and thinking wouldn’t bother him
until later. When they came to the
peony garden there was a choice, Matthew could either go to his dorm the long
way, across campus following the multitude of paths that lead in nonsensical
directions or they could take the shortcut through the woods. Matthew paused for a moment but James led
the way toward the short cut. It
was darker under the cover of the trees but it was lovely with glimpses of the
moon, Matthew could almost imagine that he could hear the creek though it was
still too far away to hear.
When they were fully in the trees James paused.
“I’ve wanted to do this all day.”
“Walk?” Matthew asked.
James didn’t answer he just used his free hand to cup Matthew’s cheek
and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.
James pulled away slowly and didn’t let go of Matthew’s face.
“I didn’t realize you are as tall as me.” Matthew hadn’t noticed either, he had
thought James was taller, but he was just- bigger. Storing the information away for another time Matthew leaned
his head into James’ palm and put his free hand on James’ hip. Overtaken by an unknown force Matthew
began to hum, a simple tune from somewhere he couldn’t remember. They swayed in the quiet darkness, and
for a moment everything was perfect just like that, two almost strangers just
standing in the dark. But soon Matthew
wanted another kiss. He leaned in
and this time it wasn’t so brief, not so innocent.
James’ lips were soft, but just a tiny bit chapped, his
mouth was apple-y with just a hint of yeast from their earlier ciders, and when
Matthew slipped a hand under his shirt his skin was smooth and cool, the gentle
contours of his muscles were interesting, and Matthew wanted to explore them
sometime he wasn’t so occupied learning what made him lean further into his
kisses. Matthew untangled his hand
from James’ wanting to feel more of him.
With his left hand already exploring James’ torso and back his other went
straight for the other man’s ass, it was firm, as muscled as the rest of him,
perfect. Gasping James used his
now free hand to return the favor pulling Matthew closer to him, so close there
was no breath between their bodies and Matthew could feel James begin to get
hard against him. It was
intoxicating to have such an impact on such a beautiful man; just knowing what
he was doing had such an effect made Matthew aware of the growing tightness in
his own jeans. Matthew knew it was
probably weird but he didn’t want to close his eyes, he kissed James with his
eyes wide open. The other man’s
eyes were closed, his dark lashes stark against his cheekbones even in the near
perfect dark, and Matthew imagined that he could see a hint of a blush across
those same prominent bones. When James
pulled a hair’s breath away to pull a full breath through his kiss swollen lips
Matthew realized that his own head was swimming, whether it was from lack of
breath or the absurdity of the kiss he didn’t know, but he knew is added
something to the moment, the dark, the heat, the off balance feeling he felt
down to his bones. He had always
liked guys, always been comfortable in that knowledge, he had come out in
middle school but here he was amazed that a guy, that kissing a guy could be
so- awesome.
“Wow” James whispered the word with his eyes still
closed. With a few more inches
between their faces Matthew could really appreciate the beauty of James’ face,
the gently curving lines of his jaw, his cheekbones, and the shadows they cast
even more dramatic in the dappled moonlight that filtered in through the
trees. Slowly he opened his eyes
and met Matthew’s, and as a chilly wind rustles through the leaves Matthew
remembered who this beautiful man was, and as much as he didn’t want to bother,
and wanted to go back to kissing him he had one question that had to be
answered.
“Don’t you like girls?” James looked confused for a moment, still trapped in the
previous moment, but when he caught up his laugh echoed through the trees.
“I do! I just like guys too. It doesn’t have to be one or the other you know.” Matthew thought about that for a
second. For someone that was well versed in queer theory he could have guessed
that, but for some reason he was skeptical.
“I’ve seen that face before.” James’ smile was fading. “I know it seems odd but really its no big deal…” Matthew already felt a bit silly and
didn’t know what to say to save face so he just pulled James closer again, the
distance between their bodies had slowly grown just as the distance between
their faces had. Feeling the firm
warmth of James’ body again chased any thoughts or doubts.
They must have spent hours in the woods together, kissing,
talking and walking aimlessly. It took hours to walk the distance to the dorm,
a walk that usually took only a few minutes, but those hours were worth every
shiver and goosebump they got from the dropping temperature and the intensity
of their connection.
Sunday was a difficult day for Matthew, he was so tired
after being too keyed up to sleep until the sun rose. He had finished most of his homework in his marathon
Saturday afternoon but he still had enough to make the Sunday evening panic as
horrible as it usually was. And
yet he had hope he was going to the library to study with James, though the
location suggested it was really to study Matthew didn’t mind, he honestly
enjoyed James’ company.
Armed with laptop and a bio textbook he had no intention of
reading Matthew headed to the library.
When he found the area James had told him to look he was less than
happy. Instead of finding just
James he found James, three other rugby guys and, of course, a few of the women
that always seemed to be around him.
Trying to keep the huff of annoyance inaudible Matthew flopped into a
chair at the side of the room and opened his computer. If he wasn’t going to get to talk to James
he might as well get some work done for the rest of the week.
It took almost ten minutes for James to even realize Matthew
was there. He waved from the
middle of the group. He looked
like he might say something but a small, well-manicured hand on his arm had him
turning away immediately. Huffing
again Matthew turned back to his work.
You are so far away
its like you aren’t even here L the message
appeared in a small chat box at the bottom of Matthew’s computer. He had no idea where it had come from
but there was of course a picture of James playing rugby.
It's just
imessage. Easier to look like you
are doing work if it is on the computer yeah? James must have seen the
confused look cross Matthew’s face.
Matthew knew what imessage was of course; it just hadn’t been on his
computer before now, he didn’t know how James had initiated it. Curious but resolute he still he didn’t
answer, unwilling to give up his annoyance just yet.
Econ is the literal
worst. I thought I would have more
time to chat but these dummies refuse to do anything without
collaboration. And if Matthew
really listened he did hear that the chatter was mostly about something vaguely
business sounding. Still, that
girl didn’t have to hang all over James like that. Matthew wasn’t possessive, and really he had no claim to
James but really, it was unseemly.
Still he supposed it wasn’t James’ fault.
Cool, I didn’t know it
worked on the computer. Almost
instantly James looked up and smiled into Matthew’s eyes. Matthew’s anger dissipated and that
made him a bit angry, a smile wasn’t supposed to have that much power, he should
be influenced so easily, and yet, he felt his mouth pulling up into a smile as
he began his next message.
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