Soul got into the car and buckled
his seatbelt. Anywhere was better
than here. Even the horrible house
with its overwhelming miasma of disappointment, even the scarlet room and all
the expectations that went with it.
Sylvia had won so why not just give her everything that she wanted? Why should he drag out the pain when it
was going to happen either way? Soul knew now that nothing in his life had ever
been what he thought it was. He
had held onto his childhood somewhere inside himself assuring himself that all
the craziness had started when he met Scott. Learning about the twins had ruined that vision to some
extent, but finding out that not even his mother was real was the final
straw. Nothing he had ever done,
no one he had ever been close to just liked him for who he was. No one had ever stayed and he had
always been alone.
The ride home was silent. Soul imagined this is what going to be
sentenced for murder would feel like- an inescapable slow trek to nowhere. He knew Sylvia would be waiting. He knew they would all be punished. He just didn’t know how. And somehow that was even worse.
*
The house was dark when they arrived
and the sun was just setting. It
was about dinnertime but food was the last thing on any of their minds. The huge doors were open when they pulled
up and Sylvia was sitting on the staircase. She was smiling the same smile as when Soul had first
arrived. It was as terrifying as
it was fake. Soul didn’t care, he
walked past her without a word, and she let him go. He almost imagined he felt a brush to his spirit and wished
her well. There was no need for
her to make him feel awful; to take away his hope- it was already gone.
Scott arrived to the scarlet room
shortly after Soul; he seemed fine if subdued. There was a hint of a red mark on his cheek. He sat beside Soul and wrapped
his arms around him. Soul didn’t move, he didn’t move as Scott undressed
him. He didn’t move when Scott
left to shower and get ready for bed.
And even when Scott pulled him up and tucked him under the covers he
didn’t resist. Scott slept, his
breath falling on Soul’s face is soft minty puffs, and Soul lay awake the whole
night wondering if there was any way to gather any dignity, any agency. And when the birds began warning that
dawn was near he had one small idea.
Not hope, but an idea. If
it was going to end he could be the one to end it. He would not be manipulated any more. If his destiny were going to be this
unyielding he would walk into it on his own power.
*
Scott woke slowly to the feeling of
being touched, softly, slowly and all over his body. It was one of his dreams, his favorite, most embarrassing
dreams. He didn’t want to open his
eyes because then it would end. It
always ended, but he also couldn’t keep his eyes closed, on the off chance-
Scott opened his eyes and they met the deepest pools he had seen. Soul was looking up at him kneeling
between his thighs. It was his
dream come true- almost.
Soul didn’t look like he should. He
was beautiful but his eyes were almost empty- deep still, but like a dead sea,
there was no life in them, and there were deep bruises under them. His touch was gentle, almost loving but
Scott sighed. Opening his eyes had
ruined it again. As much as he
wanted this he couldn’t. He
couldn’t have Soul hate him and if he went through with this he knew something
out be irreparably changed, and not in a good way. Any progress they had made would be gone and Scott would be
alone again. He held Soul’s face
in his hands and gently tugged him upward. He wrapped Soul in his arms and pressed Soul’s face into his
shoulder. At first Soul was still
rigid, but he melted soon enough and from the slightly shuddering breaths and
wetness on his shoulder Scott knew that Soul was crying. Scott tried to keep his own tears from
falling but he couldn’t. Once
again he was unable to comfort his man.
Once again he was not able to solve the problems Soul was dealing with,
once again he was a failure.
Scott held Soul for hours while he
cried and then when he slept.
Neither of them had much of an appetite. Scott had begun to hope that everything would be okay but he
couldn’t see it being okay now.
He rubbed Soul’s back and tried to think of anything that would make
Soul feel better, to make him feel the same way Scott felt about him.
*
Soul dreamt of the end of
everything. He dreamt of his own
death, and it was comforting, beautiful.
No one could hurt him there; there was only one problem. In all the scenarios he imagined there
was always Scott, devastated. Soul
dreamt of the picture he had drawn, of Scott crying over his dead body, and
even through the picture had meant nothing to him just a few days ago, it now
haunted him and ruined all his fantasies.
Soul woke slowly but when he woke he
had another idea. If he could show
Scott how he felt Scott would understand.
If Scott could feel the desolation he felt, the loss of everything he
had ever thought he had known, he would know why Soul had to end it. He would know why he needed to have one
last act, his only truly autonomous act.
Soul knew that Scott would never finish the bond if he thought Soul
didn’t want it. But Soul had a
plan for that as well. He would
just have to fake it- and with all his recent practice Soul was sure he could
do it. He could ignore the house,
Sylvia, all of it, and just focus on Scott, and once it was over, he wouldn’t
have to pretend or hide anymore he would have what he had always really wanted-
complete understanding and then quiet, peace.
When Soul finally opened his eyes
the first thing he saw was Scott.
And Scott looked almost as bad as Soul felt, his skin looked dull and
his eyes were rimmed with red, he had to have spent a lot of the time Soul
spent sleeping, crying. Soul tried
to smile at him, but even with his plan firmly in place it didn’t quite come
out. Giving up and figuring it was
unrealistic for him to feel better after one good cry Soul wrapped his arms
around Scott and tried to offer the comfort Scott always wanted to offer him. Scott didn’t respond for a moment but
then hugged back, and for a moment it was like they were the only two people in
the world.
Soul and Scott showered separately
but spent the next hours attached at the hip. They didn’t go anywhere without each other, even if they
hardly spoke. Sylvia stayed out of
the way, Soul guessed it was because she figured nothing she could think up
would compare to the punishment he had brought upon himself, and if she
couldn’t detect any happy emotions what was there for her to take away?
The next days
passed similarly, almost in silence, and with few interactions with anyone
other than Scott. It was almost as
if the house had been abandoned.
All the new guests seemed to have vanished and the siblings were only
seen in passing and only around meal times. They looked subdued, or determined but Soul paid them little
attention. He had only one goal at
the moment and it only required his own powers of deception. He had to convince Scott that he was
feeling better, and that he wanted to finish the bond. He didn’t mention it at all the first
day, but began answering Scott’s queries to how he was feeling with variations
of loneliness. And as time went on
Soul realized it wasn’t a lie at all, he was lonely, he did want to feel a
connection with someone he did want at least one person to really understand
him, to stay with him. He found
that the more he spoke to Scott he began to believe his own words. Maybe everything really would be better
with the bond in place; maybe all of Sylvia’s plotting would mean less to
him. And logically it made sense,
Scott had survived her and Soul was only a promise of a future. Soul did most of his talking when
they were alone and in bed, right before sleeping with all the lights off and
with the lurid color of the room hidden Soul found it was embarrassingly easy
to spill his feeling and insecurities.
Scott was a wonderful listener and crying himself to sleep ensured that
he slept without dreams.
On the fourth
morning after discovering his mother was only a shadow Soul woke feeling almost
hopeful. He knew that when he
opened his eyes he could look into Scott’s and the feeling warmed a small piece
of his heart. He still felt
disconnected and alone, he still felt like nothing would ever be okay, but his
plan was working in ways he hadn’t imagined. And soon it would be complete.
Soul opened his
eyes slowly and found Scott already awake, looking down on him with the
strangest expression in his eyes.
“You were smiling
in your sleep.” Soul blinked
sleepily.
“What?”
“You were smiling
in your sleep. You haven’t smiled
in days and you looked like you were dreaming of happy things.”
Soul smiled again
and it didn’t feel forced.
“I was just
thinking of you.” And it was the
truth.
*
Soul sat up and
gave Scott a kiss, when Scott sat up too; Soul wiggled himself into Scott’s lap
facing him and looked into his eyes.
He had never thought that he had really been able to see anyone’s soul
but Scott’s seemed to be shining out of his as surely as the early morning sun
shone through the windows. It was
bright and sweet and full of love, and Soul wished he could reach inside and
touch it. Instead he brushed a
finger against Scott’s eyelashes, and when Scott closed his eyes in response it
was as if a bit of the light in the room had been turned off. Soul brushed the lashes as they sat on
Scott’s cheeks then kissed them.
His mind was made up.
Tonight was the night, he just had to convince Scott that he really
wanted it, and in that moment Soul didn’t think it would be a difficult task
because it was the truth, he did want the bond, he wanted to touch Scott’s
soul.
*
Scott couldn’t
understand what was happening.
Just days ago Soul looked like not only had his heart broken, but that
his spirit and soul were gone. And
today just four days later he was smiling in his sleep. Scott had been preparing himself for
years more of torture, of knowing Soul was hurting and not knowing how to help
him. But it was like the devastation
had opened something in him. He
talked to Scott, really talked to him, about all kinds of things, about what
his dreams had been, and about how worried he had been that he would never find
anyone to be with, about how alone he had always felt even with the twins. Soul had cried but he was finally
sharing himself, and now he was smiling.
Scott couldn’t stop smiling himself even though he was still wary of the
change. He listened to Soul
humming softly to himself in the shower and Scott wondered if he would ever
understand Soul even with the bond.
“I’m finally
hungry, starving really, can we make breakfast? I feel like creating something. Something yummy.”
Soul had just stepped out of the shower and still wrapped in towels
flopped onto the bed next to Scott.
“I think
probably. There is probably
breakfast made already though.”
Scott smiled at the bundle of towels wrapped around Soul and was
rewarded with a bright smile in return.
“But I want to
make something.” Scott shrugged
but in his mind he was going to make sure that Soul was able to create to his
hearts desire, even beyond breakfast.
Scott hadn’t spent any time in his studio since returning home and he
missed it. He had a sudden urge to
share it with Soul, to make something of the day, literally. Something told him that today was going
to be a special day.
“Okay then we will
make something. Put on something
you don’t mind getting dirty.” For
a minute Scott thought Soul would put on one of the outfits Sylvia had gotten
for him, just for the sake of ruining it, but he turned from the wardrobe after
a minute of considering it and began to dig through the bag he had first
brought with him. Scott wanted to
stay and watch the towels come off one by one but he dragged himself to the
shower. It wouldn’t do to ruin the
day before it even began.
Scott was
surprised when he saw what Soul was wearing. When he had seen Soul dress before it was always in dark
neutral colors, but this- Soul had a soft well worn t-shirt with a sunflower in
faded ink on the front and soft green corduroy cut offs. He looked like he had just been in an
art studio, and he looked perfect.
The colors suited him, as did the careless feel of the outfit. Sylvia would hate it and that just made
Scott love it all the more.
*
Soul had a blast
making the kitchen a complete mess.
It was spotless when they entered and didn’t seem at all homey like a kitchen
should feel. Soul had a moment of
deep sadness when he realized the kitchen he compared it to, his mother’s
kitchen, wasn’t really homey either, but this was sterile. Even a fake mother infused a kitchen
with more life than Sylvia, but in a way it’s clinical cleanliness and strictly
ordered implements made it even more fun to play in.
Soul made pancakes and they were a
horrible mess. They didn’t even
taste very good but the act of making made the day feel even better. They ate the pancakes right out of the
pan and the syrup crystallizing in the pan made it impossible to cook the later
cakes correctly, but it didn’t matter.
The only things that mattered were the smile on Scott’s face and how
thoroughly debauched the kitchen looked when they were done. Soul felt a hint of guilt about not
cleaning up, he knew it wouldn’t be Sylvia that did it, but it quickly faded as
Scott lead him through a door he hadn’t been through before and down a very
narrow flight of stairs to his studio.
Soul had imagined anything
underground in this house to be damp and full of monsters but he couldn’t have
been more wrong. The room
was filled with light. Two of the walls were a rich cream and the other two
were covered in beautiful murals they seemed oddly familiar to Soul but he was
quickly distracted by the rest of the room. There were hundreds of small statues, some ceramic, both
glazed and not, there were also racks for drying paintings, some full, some
still waiting for paintings to fill them.
There were tall shapes that were covered with drop cloths, and in one
corner there was a large kiln.
Soul was stunned by the number of pieces as well as their quality, and by
the sheer size of the studio. It
was magnificent and Soul felt like he was seeing another part of Scott’s soul,
of his life. It was obvious that
this was the place where Scott felt the most comfortable in his house, the
space was filled with bits of him from the murals to the hint of his scent
mixed with the smells of oil paint, clay, heat, and stone. It was beautiful.
Soul spent hours looking through the
racks of paintings careful not to smudge the paint even though it had been
drying for ages. He picked up the
tiny figures amazed at their detail, he gazed at the murals trying to figure
out why they were so familiar, but even though his fingers ached to uncover
them he left the covered pieces covered.
As an artist himself he understood the need to keep some things
covered. Plus there was so many
other things to look at he didn’t need to see more. Scott didn’t say a word and just let Soul look, but even
with the silence Soul felt closer to Scott than he ever had. Seeing the studio reinstated the
feeling Soul had had before of what could have been if things were different. He felt a twinge of sadness that even
just a few days ago he could have thought of it- however subconsciously- as
what could be.
After Scott led Soul out of his
studio they went outside to the garden where Soul had met the twins to discuss
their escape. In the daytime the
garden was even more beautiful, the flowers were open and their buds were
magnificent, the colors were more vibrant that Soul could remember seeing. Their perfume filled the air and though
it should have been overwhelming it just smelled like paradise. Even at the short distance from the
house the oppressive feeling was less overwhelming. The whole day was like a vacation from depression. Soul knew it was waiting for him later
but each moment felt like a gift.
Soul still felt a bit guilty that they were having such a lovely time
and he was going to stick to his plan, but he also felt resolved. If this was
going to be one of his last days it might as well be one of his best days, and
it was a good way for Scott to remember him when he was gone. Plus he hoped that Scott would be able
to feel the happiness Soul had felt through the bond. Maybe then he would be able to give up on his guilt that he
had never been able to make Soul feel better.
They went inside when the light was
starting to fade, and even though they sat down to dinner with Sylvia, Scott’s
father, Josie, Nova, and a few others, the meal wasn’t enough to ruin Soul’s
mood. And when Sylvia mentioned
that she would be out that evening his spirits soared. Not only would he get all that he
wanted he wouldn’t have to worry about Sylvia listening in and peeking through
keyholes. Even her cutting
comments about his outfit, which was now covered in soil and flower petals, did
nothing to ruin his mood. The only
thing that came close to upsetting Soul’s levity was the desolate look on
Josie’s face but he told himself that he couldn’t help her, that he couldn’t
take on any other problems. He
could only focus on solving his own and hope that somehow it would make some
things easier for the others. Sylvia
made it seem like he was the key to her plans, and if he was no longer around
maybe the others would be able to come up with a better plan. She would at least be distracted.
Dessert was cleared and Soul didn’t
spare a thought for anything other than getting Scott upstairs and naked. After enduring Sylvia’s seemingly
endless goodbye and list of instructions for taking care of the house Soul
nearly dragged Scott upstairs.
Scott seemed surprised, but willing and Soul was willing to use anything
to his advantage. His excitement
almost overcame his nervousness but when the doors of their suite were finally
closed he couldn’t help but pause.
To finish the bond they had to have sex, and Soul really didn’t know
what he was doing.
Soul knew that he would have to
initiate, he knew that Scott was terrified of pushing him too fast, but he
hoped that Scott would take over.
Soul was second guessing himself and considering how he could somehow
manipulate Scott into taking the lead.
Scott seemed to notice something had changed and was beginning to lose
his glowing reflection of Soul’s happiness. Soul reached into his limited knowledge of romance and
blurted the first thing that came to mind.
“Do you want to take a bath with
me?” He cheeks flamed once the words
were out of his mouth but the idea didn’t sound half bad, it was relaxing and
he was a bit dirty, and it was an excuse to get Scott naked that Scott wouldn’t
consider threatening manipulative- he hoped. As the moment extended in silence Soul considered for the
first time day that his plan might not work, that Scott might say no. Soul felt the bubbly warmth that had
filled his chest all day begin to fade, he ran a hand through his hair and
waited for the rejection.
“That sounds really nice, I haven’t
taken a bath in ages- do you want candles?” Soul almost cried his relief was so complete, even though
the whole interaction took only around a minute it felt like his whole
existence rested on it.
“I would love candles.” Scott’s smile brightened and the glow
was back in Soul’s chest.
Everything was going to be all right.
*
Scott was surprised by Soul’s
request and almost suspicious for a moment, but his happiness had remained
steady all day. Maybe his opening
up had just been coming all along and finding out about his mother was just the
key. Scott wanted to believe it
was real and with the option of just leaving gone he couldn’t imagine a reason
why Soul would be faking. Scott
barely dared hope but something told him that not only could tonight be as
special as the rest of the day, it could be the best night of his life, the
night that would free him from the pain that had been his constant companion
for his whole life. Finally Soul
would see- would feel what he had felt for so long. Scott tried not to let the hope overwhelm him but it was
almost impossible. He could feel a
tremor beginning in his hands as he searched for candles and matches. He started the bath in the claw foot
tub and spent an inordinate amount of time trying to determine what the perfect
temperature would be. He decided
on just this side of lukewarm and added honeysuckle bubbles. The smell reminded him of Soul and he
figured with a neutral temperature it would be easy to adjust. He hung towels on the warmer and
finished lighting the candles but was unable to leave the bathroom for a few
long moments. What if none of it
was what he had imagined? What if
they still didn’t finish the bond? What if? The questions would have continued if there hadn’t been a
soft knock on the bathroom door.
“Can I come in yet?” Soul’s voice was soft, and further
muffled by the door.
“You can come in- come now!” The words were more forceful than Scott
intended but when the door opened and Soul stood there with not a stitch on he
forgot all of the things he was worried about. Even if they only took a bath and went to sleep it would be
worth it for the image of Soul’s pale skin and luminous eyes lit by the
candles. Scott didn’t want to
stare but he couldn’t help it. He
wished he had his paints so he could immortalize the moment, but something told
him that his memory would have to do.
There was no way that he could capture such perfection and if he really
thought about it he wouldn’t want to ruin his memory by trying to produce what
was bound to be an inferior rendering.
Scott willed his mind to quiet so he could really focus on the image,
and as he did it was just made better by the blush slowly crawling up Soul’s
body. Scott stared for a minute
more, then realizing that Soul couldn’t- yet- read his mind and he rushed to
reassure him.
Scott stripped himself of his own
clothes and invited Soul into the water.
And when they were safely in the water, Soul cradled between Scott’s
thighs Scott was happy with the temperature he had chosen, if wasn’t cold
enough for Soul to shiver, but it was just cool enough that Soul pressed
himself against Scott’s chest. It
was heaven and Scott wanted it to never end.
*
The water felt wonderful, Soul would
thought it would be warmer, but the temperature gave him an excuse to settle
back into Scott’s arms. Scott was
always warm and with the water just slightly cool he felt amazing, especially
because his skin was slick with bubbles and water and the candles flickered
against the bubbles and the walls magically. Soul couldn’t imagine a better last night. He sighed happily and almost dozed off,
forgetting his plan. It wasn’t
until the last of the bubbles had faded into the water and Scott began to wash
the soap from his hair that Soul remembered that he was the one that was
supposed to be doing the seducing.
But Scott was just so good at it.
Soul relaxed and enjoyed the feeling, there was no need to rush- they
had all night.
When they were both wrapped in
towels and Soul was sitting on the bed watching Scott rummage around in his
dresser for something to put on Soul realized it was time to make his move.
“Scott, come here please.” Soul had wanted to say something
seductive but his worry about timing and the distraction of Scott’s naked back
had robbed him of intelligent thought.
“Why?” Scott turned and Soul was again robbed of words, Scott had
brought the candles into the bedroom, unwilling to blow them out and the light
played off his body in the most distracting way.
“Because… I- I want to touch you?” Soul couldn’t help but sound unsure, he
knew what he wanted but he was unsure of Scott’s reaction. There was, however, no need for worry.
Scott grinned and pounced onto the
bed crawling slowly up to meet Soul against the headboard. His bounce didn’t quite match the mood
Soul had imagined, but it was so indisputably Scott that it was perfect.
“You can touch me whenever. But I want to touch you.” Scott reached under Soul’s knees to
pull him away from the headboard.
Scott began to kiss his way from Soul’s ankle and up his leg. Soul was
stunned for a moment.
“Oh, that’s nice, but, but I want to
touch you.” Scott paused and for a
moment Soul was worried he wasn’t going to stop and as much as Soul loved being
in Scott’s mouth he had a different idea for tonight and he didn’t want to be
distracted any more.
Luckily enough for Soul, Scott
placed a kiss on the inside of each of Soul’s knees then flopped down next to
him against the pillows, placing his arms behind his head, and closing his
eyes. Scott hummed softly and Soul
took a moment to just look at him.
From the soft waves of his hair to the crescent of his eyelashes against
his cheeks, then lower across his collarbone and his sculpted chest, to his
peaked nipples and slowly rising and falling stomach, Soul caught his breath as
his gaze stopped at Scott’s cock, slowly filling beneath his navel. It was beautiful and intimidating. Soul knew it would fit but he felt his
insides tingle with a new wave of nervousness. He gazed at Scott’s long legs, falling gently open and
finally finished at his feet. Soul
didn’t particularly care about feet, but Scott’s were like a stature’s feet,
and fresh from the bath they almost looked sculpted, they were flawless.
Gathering himself Soul took one finger to trace the path his
eyes had taken. Scott shivered as
Soul’s hand traveled whisper soft across his skin, and when Soul got paused at
Scott’s navel Scott’s eyes opened.
Soul looked up immediately sensing the small change. Scott pushed himself up on his elbows
looking down as Soul who was now kneeling between his legs. Soul smiled taking confidence in
Scott’s slightly dazed expression and enormous pupils, and still smiling took
Scott into his mouth.
Soul found himself missing the smell of Scott, he smelled
like honeysuckle and tasted like clean skin and soap, but the musky Scott smell
was gone. Soul tickled Scott with
his tongue thinking of all the things that he liked the best and learning from
Scott’s subtle movements and soft sounds.
Soul wanted to continue, wanted to test his skill but he wanted
more. As much as he took pleasure
in Scott’s pleasure, his body was throbbing, and his skin ached with his desire
to be touched.
“Do you have…?”
Soul trailed off, hoping his inexperience wouldn’t ruin the moment, but
Scott was too far gone to care. He
flung an arm to the side indicating the bedside tale on what had become his
side of the bed. When Soul let go
of him to look Scott moaned like his heart was breaking and sat up fully. Once Soul had found the small bottle
and turned back Scott had recovered somewhat. He still looked thoroughly
debauched and on the edge of his control but his eyes focused on Soul and his
expression was guarded.
“Soul are you sure?”
Soul didn’t trust himself enough to answer with words; he hoped his body
and his actions would speak enough for him. He felt goose bumps crawl up his arms as he crawled back to
Scott and straddled his hips. Soul
opened the bottle of lube and poured some on his fingers. It was slipperier than he expected and
cold, especially when he reached back to apply it to his hole. It was more difficult that he had
expected it to be, and the angle hurt his wrist. What he had intended to be a sexy show of his desire was
just awkward, but Scott saved him, again.
After very obviously stifling a giggle Scott flipped Soul onto his back
and somehow took the bottle from him at the same time.
“Let me, I want to.”
Soul tensed at the initial movement but relaxed with Scott’s comforting
warmth surrounding him. It seemed
like Scott wasn’t going to argue with him, and his plan was going to go off
without a hitch.
Scott circled Soul’s hole with just the tip of a finger, and
the almost tickling feeling made Soul want to scream. He could feel his muscles clenching and relaxing, wanting-
needing something more. Soul
grabbed Scott’s wrist with the intention of making him do something. Scott took
that moment to gently press his finger inside Soul. Soul gasped and dug his nails into Scott’s wrist. It was a strange feeling and exactly
what he needed. It wasn’t a
completely foreign feeling but his intentions made it so much more intense, he
knew that this was just a taste of what was coming and the thought sent shivers
rushing through his body.
“Okay?” Soul
nodded and Scott leaned down to add his tongue to his finger and Soul couldn’t
think beyond trying to process the sensations rushing through his body. He vaguely registered the cool lube in
contrast to Scott’s warm breath and hot tongue, and the burning, stinging,
pleasure as Scott added one than two more fingers. Then all the sudden it stopped. Soul dragged in a few ragged breaths; the first full breaths
in many long minutes but the reprieve didn’t last long. After sitting up and cracking his neck
Scott looked intensely into Soul’s eyes and crooked his fingers and Soul saw
fireworks. He didn’t think he
could feel anything more intense than the last few moments but the firm circles
Scott was rubbing on his prostate were mind blowing. Soul felt
unbearably full and every synapse lit up with almost painful intensity. Soul hadn’t known it was possible to
feel such pleasure without coming, but it was too intense for him to relax
enough to orgasm. When he was
finally able to gasp in a breath it left him in an almost incoherent stream of
pleas that he didn’t understand himself.
Scott relaxed his fingers and slowly pulled them from Soul’s body one by
one. Soul felt the loss of each
distinctly and longed for the heart stopping intensity if only it would mean
having Scott so impossibly close to him again.
“Are you ready?”
Scott kissed him in between words and Soul nodded, fears forgotten in
the face of even deeper intimacy.
Scott placed a pillow under Soul’s lower back and gently looped Soul’s
legs over his elbows, placing his hands on either side of Soul.
“I love you.”
Scott said almost silently against Soul’s lips and he gently began to
push inside Soul’s body.
Soul pulled in a deep breath waiting for searing pain and
felt only an overwhelming pressure and then relief as his body relaxed around
Scott. He couldn’t help but hold
his breath as Scott pressed impossibly deeper, and deeper still inside of
him. Soul imagined he could feel
Scott replacing huge parts of him and instead of scaring him the feeling was
the best Soul could imagine. He
felt as close to complete as he ever had.
He wrapped his legs more firmly around Scott and held him close knowing
that Scott needed to move, but wanting to feel him as deep as possible for as
long as he could.
Scott cradled Soul’s head in his hands and began to press
hisses to as much of Soul’s skin as he could reach, when Soul realized the
feeling of near completeness wasn’t all that he wanted he began to move his
hips. With nearly all of Scott’s
weight pressing him down he wasn’t able to move much, but it was enough for
Scott to lean back a bit, just enough to meet Soul’s eyes and begin to withdraw
as slowly as he had pressed in.
Soul felt like he could breathe again, and moaned deeply, he
wanted to say something that would express the perfection of the moment but he
couldn’t collect his thoughts enough to find the words, he looked deep into
Scott’s eyes and tried to tell him with his soul that this was perfect.
Scott maintained the smooth slow rhythm and Soul began to
meet his thrusts digging his hands into Scott’s back for leverage. The pace was nearly killing him with
its slow deliberation, but Soul couldn’t force himself to move any faster. The slow build was driving him toward a
terrifying peak and he wasn’t sure if he would survive it.
The expression on Scott’s face suggested that he too could
feel the inevitably devastating end coming; he looked like Soul felt, terrified
and wholly consumed by the feeling that was building.
When the sensations crossed the boundary of excruciating and
mind blowing Soul closed his eyes and held on. He hadn’t thought his nerves could take any more but a waves
of heat overtook his body in the same slow undulating waves as the rhythm his
body had been trapped in his vision went white behind his eyes and he could
feel every muscle in his body contract and release clearly even as every other
thought and sensation was scoured from his consciousness.
When the physical feeling began to fade into devastating
aftershocks interspersed with moments of exhausted calm Soul became aware that
his mind felt more expansive, thought flickered through his mind faster than he
could watch them and he felt a wealth of love that was unfathomable. His heart ached for something he didn’t
know he was missing and he could feel tears of exhaustion at the never ending
feeling, the feeling of loving and wanting and wanting so deeply to be wanted
in return. The fear of pushing too
hard, that he had pushed too hard.
The worry that he would never get what he wanted and the mirror desire
of not caring about his own feelings if only…Soul was happy? Soul slowly opened his eyes and
realized this is what Scott felt for him.
The feeling felt old and as new as it was to him it felt like a part of
his being, something that had always been there, something he would never be
rid of. Soul willed his aching
exhausted arms to wrap around Scott.
“I love you.” He
whispered and the feeling began to fade, Soul could feel the edges of his mind
returning to their usual safe boundaries and his feelings return to his
own. He was overwhelmed, he felt
known, and he couldn’t stay awake for a moment longer.
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