Woo! Finally the end is in sight after an embarrassingly many years. I hope you enjoy!
Scott couldn’t believe it had actually happened, he felt
resolved, like everything he had ever felt was finally settling into his
skin. An anxiety that had
always been a part of him was lifted.
He felt satiated and calm and thoroughly exhausted. And then he felt Soul’s arms wrap
around him and heard the whispered I love you and nothing could have been more
perfect.
Scott felt Soul drift to sleep and a feeling he recognized
as not his own began to sep through his body, a lack of control, a soul deep
longing to be his own person.
Absolute desolation and fear, Scott lost his breath as the feeling
intensified overwhelming any peace he had felt. He knew the feeling was not his own, and knew that it wasn’t
as intense in him as it was in Soul but it still destroyed him. Scott looked at the man next to him and
understanding flooded him. He put
the pieces together, the days of working up to this moment, to joining. The sudden calm, the last afternoon of
happiness. Soul had wanted him to
see him happy, wanted him to know his leaving wasn’t because of Scott, it was
to rid himself of this feeling.
Scott understood but he knew that he couldn’t let Soul complete the next
part of his plan. Scott
concentrated on the bond, on the little piece of his heart and mind that had
never been truly his and began to push, push the dark, raging desperation back,
he tried to fill the hole with love and understanding and the piece he had felt
minutes before, and while it left him slowly Scott came to understand that it
was a part of Soul something he would never be able to fix. It was something only Soul could take
care of. Scott felt the edges of
his happiness begin to fold in on themselves again. He had once again failed, and it was a failure he would
never be able to fix.
***
Soul woke up slowly, sore in the most delicious way, and
wrapped in Scotts arms. For a
moment he was content to simply lie there comforted. But he knew that Scott would have felt his feelings and if
he were to put his plan into action he would have to act quickly. Unfortunately when Soul tried to wiggle
gently from Scott’s arms Scott woke and only held him more tightly.
“I understand.”
Scott whispered and Soul could feel tears spring to his eyes. It was what he wanted, or a part of
what he wanted, something he had wanted for so, so long. “I understand, but I can’t lose you-
please?” Scott’s voice started
strong but lost its rigidity with his last words. Soul felt the tears begin to streak down his cheeks but his
resolve remained. There was no way
he would change his mind. He
needed to do this for himself, for everyone. He needed to feel some power for once in his life and most
of all he needed a rest. A break
from all of it and the only way he could do that was to end it forever.
Soul felt the edges of his mind melt and knew that Scott was
looking inside him, feeling what he was feeling. He wanted that ability for himself, but didn’t want to wait
around to learn. The sooner he did
it the less it would hurt Scott, and now that he was so deeply attached to
Scott, even in love with him, going gently mattered a lot to him.
Soul felt Scott begin to cry into his hair and willed his
feelings to change. But he could
see no other way out but death. His
challenge now was to figure out a way to do it without Scott stopping him.
When Scott had stopped crying they quietly showered and got
dressed Soul found himself reaching out to Scott, but Scott seemed to always be
just a bit out of reach, even when his fingers did manage to connect it was
apparent that Scott had shut down his emotions and Soul didn’t have the tools
to reach into him and pull the out.
It made him feel worse, if that was possible, but he told himself that
it was better that way. If Scott
was already distancing himself it wouldn’t be so bad for him when Soul was
gone.
The house was again almost unnaturally quiet. But it didn’t have the feeing or atmosphere
as it did the day before, something had been irreparably damaged between
them. Soul almost felt like
drawing, but he wouldn’t let himself, he wandered through the house following
Scott like a lovesick puppy. It was hours before he realized that Scott wasn’t
really going anywhere, that he wasn’t doing anything. The random objects he picked up and put down were just that-
random. The rooms they passed
through didn’t have any meaning and the pacing through hallways was just
pacing.
When Soul realized that he wasn’t going to reach Scott he
began plotting with more intensity.
He didn’t know very much about dying. He could take some sort of pills- but he didn’t know where
any were or how many he would need to take. He could try to set up a hanging but it was unlikely he
would be dead before Scott caught him, and honestly he didn’t know if he was
brave enough to suffocate. He
could cut himself, but he wanted to avoid pain if he could. There were no guns, and again he didn’t
know if he could make himself do it.
He began considering the objects Scott had picked up in each room, wondering
if there was some way to die with them.
He could think of ways for most of them, but ways he was not willing to
attempt. Cursing his cowardice
Soul sat on one of the couches in one of the seemingly endless sitting
rooms. He had thought this would
be so easy, but nothing here was easy, and leaving was the most difficult of
all.
Scott watched Soul for a moment before resuming his
wandering. Soul felt acutely alone
and desolate for a few moments then decided to use his free time to look for
something that could help him. He
knew there were many bathrooms, and surely one would have some sort of pill he
could take. Sighing he levered
himself off the couch with entirely too much effort and went on his own aimless
quest through the house.
Knowing he had little to nothing to lose Soul opened every
door that was unlocked and rifled through every drawer and cabinet he could
find. Finally when he was getting
close to giving up, or taking a break as he told himself he found an unlocked
room. When he made it through the
door Soul realized it was really a suite of rooms, something about the airy
decorations mixed with pieces of heavy furniture told him it was Josie and
Nova’s rooms. Thinking of all the
difficulty she had with her pregnancy Soul felt a renewed sense of purpose,
there had to be something in here that would help him. He was not wrong. He found in one of the bedside tables a
bottle full of small blue pills, take one
for sleep, the label read.
Soul took the whole bottle.
He left the room as undisturbed as he could. He thought he could take the pills immediately but didn’t
want anyone to stumble upon him and make him throw them up- or worse take him
to a hospital. He would wait until
it was almost time for bed, then his drowsiness would be natural and no one
would know what had happened until the next morning. Soul felt bad for a moment, imagining Scott waking up next
to his cold body, but shook off the feeling. They would have the night, and Soul would make it up to him
by taking the bond with him. Scott
would finally be able to make the choices that were the best for him, and not
worry about what might happen to Soul.
Dinner was quiet in the best way, Sylvia was there, along
with a few of the others, but she didn’t speak, just frowned at her food and
seemed to shiver every now and again.
She seemed sick and Soul couldn’t summon an ounce of sympathy for
her. He knew the time was nearing
for him to leave this place and if she died with him all the better for
everyone, especially for Scott.
Scott and Soul walked to their rooms slowly, still not
recovered from the day and the unexpected exchange of emotion. Soul still felt like Scott was pulling
away from him, but by the time they were ready for bed, and Soul had the bottle
of pills hiding under his pillow Scott was pulling him closer, and moments
later kissing him, sliding his hands under Soul’s soft top.
“I don’t want to let you go.” Scott whispered into Soul’s hair so quietly it almost
couldn’t be heard. Soul wanted to
respond, to reassure him, but couldn’t find the words. He tried to summon all the love he felt
for Scott, all the pleasure he had felt in his arms, and tried to push that
feeling toward the place in his chest he could feel Scott, tried to push that
feeling into him so he would have something to hold onto when Soul was gone,
then Soul put his mind to making Scott forget.
***
Soul pulled himself gently from Scott’s arms, successfully
this time, and gingerly swung his legs out of bed fighting his own post-coital
drowsiness. He could sleep forever
in just a few moments, he told himself, willing his eyes to remain open as he
quietly pulled the bottle from under his pillow. The small pills looked black in the darkness of the room,
and he wondered it this would work.
They were so tiny and seemingly innocent. There were ten in the bottle, and Soul hoped it would be
enough. He had remembered to set a
glass for water in the bathroom and he took the pills in one swallow, they
tried to stick in his throat gripping each other and fighting all the way
down. Soul fought his gag reflex
and sore throat and finally they were down. Relieved and sad that it would be over soon Soul made his
way back to the bed and crawled under the covers next to Scott. He wanted to feel Scott’s arms around
him but didn’t want to make the discovery of his body any more jarring, so he
placed a pillow in Scott’s arms to replace his body, and curled around a pillow
of his own and waited for it to be over.
***
Scott woke with a feeling of dread building inside him. He knew that there was little he could
do to stop Soul from dying, but he didn’t think it would happen so soon, he
didn’t think he would do it in their bed, and yet when he pulled the pillows
from between them his fears were confirmed. Soul was absolutely still and pale, a hit of blue shadowing
his eyes and lips. His chest was
still and cool. Scott sat frozen
for a few moments; waiting for the desolation to hit him, for the ripping
feeling of the bond being broken and it didn’t come. He could still feel Soul, just out of reach. It was worse than the years of
wondering what feeling him would be like and with that thought Scott felt the
tears begin to fall.
Soul had wanted him to be free of the bond, he knew that, but
this was more trapped than he had ever felt, he was more useless than he had
ever been and now there was no chance to redeem himself. The only way he had gotten through the
other long, long years was knowing there was a chance for everything to change. It was all over and all his pain had
been for nothing, all his pain was nothing compared to the long years awaiting
him. Scott couldn’t face seeing
anyone, saying anything, he just wrapped his arms around the still body that
had been his love and held him close.
***
Soul was drifting, it was dark here and peaceful. Just like he had imagined death, and it
was wonderful. He had thought he
wouldn’t be able to think, but the gently dreamlike suggestions floating
through his mind didn’t bother him.
It was kind of nice to still exist in some way. If it was this peaceful. The only bad thing was he could still feel
Scott, not distinctly but there was a niggling feeling where his heart would
have been, if it had been beating.
Where a deep sadness had made its home. Soul hoped Scott would feel better soon, for both their
sakes.
Soul drifted deeper and the thoughts became even less
distinct, but there were images, dark swirling things that should have scared
him but just felt familiar. There
were feelings that almost felt like memories. Voices just out of reach, words he could almost
understand. Still he drifted through
the inky shapes, his own body indistinct, only a thought surrounding his consciousness,
gently, free of the rigidity of bones and skin. He watched the shapes, and listened to the voices and
drifted deeper, so deep it felt like he was beyond sleeping. He would have wondered if he could, if
this was sleeping to his spirit.
If being dead didn’t stop him from thinking why wouldn’t it keep him
from sleeping?
Soul thumped solidly into a room or somewhere… he stumbled
before realizing he no longer had a body.
He laughed to himself silently, and wondered for a moment if he could
make a sound. But his wondering
cut of when he became aware of where he was. It was the forest, the one made from hands and nails and
smoke, the one he had been drawing seemingly forever. He really didn’t want to be here. The foreboding he had avoided was again closing around his
throat choking him. This was
altogether too real. This wasn’t
just an image it was a place and here he knew bad things could and would happen
to him. He couldn’t breathe and
even though he didn’t need to, it terrified him.
Slowly he looked around and realized this was the composite
of what he had drawn for so many years, exactly as he had drawn it. The image wasn’t a metaphor he didn’t
understand it was a real place. It
was Hell.
“Oh fuck.” Soul
whispered the words and no sound came out. He turned to his right and found that there was a gate. It was the only thing that looked
manmade. It was carved from
rusting iron and towered over even the trees. Soul began walking toward it even as everything that was
left of him screamed at him to stop.
But the gate was opening and he couldn’t help himself from
entering. Thought streamed through
his mind. What had he done to
deserve Hell? He hadn’t really
hurt anyone, except Scott, and that wasn’t on purpose. He had never really believed in God but
that would only send him to purgatory wouldn’t it? He walked through the gates and it hit him. He had killed himself. That was why her was here. But it didn’t explain why he had dreamt
and drawn this place for so long. At
least, maybe, he would finally get some answers.
Soul walked and walked and the feeling of dread began to
fade. It wasn’t nice here, that
was for sure but nothing was bothering him. The scenery was creepy but nothing was trying to hurt
him. He could stay here if he
needed to. Maybe he could figure
out why everything in his life had gone so horribly wrong. Maybe in death there would be
answers. And even better his new
non body didn’t seem to get tired, he walked for what could have been hours and
felt no aches or pains. Just the
faint hint of foreboding and curiosity.
He hadn’t been able to stop walking, or turn in any direction that he
chose, but he wouldn’t know how to choose. This suited him just fine. And if this was his eternity- so
be it.
***
Scott had begun to sob, and if he wasn’t holding Soul so
tightly or if he hadn’t been hoping quite so hard he might have missed the soft
exhale of breath. Scott’s sobs
stopped immediately though the tears continued to fall without pause.
“Soul?” He
asked quietly, there was no response, but there was a small hiccup. Scott knew that people had just died
sometimes made small sounds as their bodies began to decompose but that had definitely
been a hiccup, a distinct muscular event, not a random- it happened again. And Scott began to shake Soul willing
him to breathe normally, to open his eyes, to take a breath or something, but
he was still. But Scott’s hope was
unstoppable now.
Scott picked Soul up and ran down the hall ignoring his lack
of breath and clothing, with only one thing on his mind, making sure Soul
didn’t slip any further away.
Scott could make his spirit come back, if only Soul had a body with
enough life left to come back to.
Scott looked sadly down at the body that looked resolutely
dead in the small hospital bed. He
had demanded the bed be brought to his rooms, his childhood rooms with the
mural of poppies and familiar distance from the center of the house. It was funny that this was the first
time Soul had seen his room, or rather not seen it. He was here finally but for all purposes gone. He was propped up with pillows but his
head stubbornly listed to the side no matter what Scott did to prop it up, the
tube down his throat forced air into his lungs and the electronic box on his
chest sent muscle spasm inducing shocks to his heart forcing it to pump.
“If he’s dead it won’t help.” Nova had told him as he attached the box. “If he’s dead the blood will clot and
you will just have a mess.” Scott
had known Nova wasn’t trying to be cruel but it had felt cruel. He really believed resolutely that Soul
was coming back and mess or not he would make sure his chances were as good as
possible before reaching into the bond and pulling him back. There were just a few things he had to
do first.
***
Soul felt jostled for a few moments but he was not able to
stop walking. His throat began to
burn his chest burned and it felt like things were punching him in the chest
every few moments. It was very
uncomfortable and Soul really wished it would stop. But he was soon distracted as the landscape began to
change. There began to be more
different body parts, not just hands but arms, legs. Feet, even, and here and there what looked like closed
eyes. Soul shuddered. Not only were the body parts getting
larger the forest they formed was getting deeper, the dread began to build
again. When the light was almost
completely obscured and Soul began to be thankful for his inability to stray from
the path because it ensured he wouldn’t fall or get hopelessly lost, or even
worse, lead him to inadvertently touch some of the flesh plants. He wondered for a moment what they
would feel like, and if it would be worse if they were blood warm- or cold.
Soul’s dislike of being dead began to increase and he began
to regret his decision to end it all when he came to another gate. This one was smaller and at each cross
of the iron bars there were eyes.
They blinked slowly at Soul and he wondered if it was worse that they
could blink, or if simply staring would have made the whole thing worse. Soul didn’t have to wonder too long because
the doors opened and his legs began to move again.
Soul waked for only a few minutes more before he stopped
moving in front of a fountain, it was enormous and filled with something that
he didn’t want to identify, it seemed almost like the shadows that had
surrounded him on his way falling to Hell, they seemed more solid here, or
rather liquid. Soul was now free
to move on his own but found himself unwilling to move, he waited, sure that
something would show itself to him now the compulsion was gone. He stared into the fountain, watching
the shadows intertwined in ever narrowing fractals. He found himself drawn to the patterns, even reaching out a
hand to touch.
“I wouldn’t if I were you.” Soul turned; surprised by the voice even if a part of him
was waiting for it. The voice was
as cool as it was deep, and even though the words held a hint of humor, Soul
had the feeling the owner of the voice wouldn’t have a very good sense of
humor. “Well not if you don’t want
to stay here forever.”
***
Scott held Soul’s hand in his own, the chill seeping into it
was worrying him, and he couldn’t wait any longer. He held the cup of tea in his other hand, the steam wafting
from it didn’t smell very good but he trusted that it would help, and anything
was worth getting Soul back, even if it meant following him to Hell.
Scott felt himself falling, it was an oddly peaceful feeling
but he didn’t let the peace get to him.
He had to stay focused, he had to keep his eyes open and follow the thin
invisible thread that was connecting him to what remained of Soul, if he let
that intangible string break, of if he drifted too far off course he would have
a nearly impossible task getting back to himself, if he would even want to
after having lost Soul forever.
And so even as the voices whispered for him to follow them promising
love, peace, anything he had ever wanted he had to resist, and even as the
shadows slithered through his mind promising to tell him the answers to
everything he had ever wanted to know he pushed them away, and as the flickers
of memories he longed to relive danced at the edges of his vision he closed
himself off to them and willed himself to fall more quickly, chasing after the
thread.
Soul had an unknown head start and it would take hours to
follow him again and any distraction could ruin his hopes. Scott focused himself, reminding
himself that everything he wanted could be found with Soul, and that the only
thing he really wanted was Soul. With
that thought in his mind he landed in a hand on the outskirts of Hell.
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